Ugly Crier

There are two types of people: those who cry and those who don't. I'm definitely a crier...always have been. My mom has said (on more than one occasion) that I was the whiniest child she had ever encountered. She says you could look at me wrong, and I would burst into tears. I don't know where I came from because I can count the times I have seen either of my parents cry on one hand. It must have been so utterly frustrating for two non-criers to raise such a hypersensitive child.  Kudos Mom and Dad! 

It's a natural response to me. I cry when I'm sad, scared, tired, mad, confused, embarrassed, hurt, overcome with joy, extremely amused, or supremely grateful. I just feel things very strongly, and those feelings shoot right out of my eyeballs. Some criers can just wipe the tears, all evidence of the act completely erased. Not me. It's not pretty! And that's an understatement. You would think that after 31 years of practice and literally probably gallons of tears, my body would have built up a resistance to ugliness that these salty little drops create on my face: blotchy red spots, a snotty nose, and eyes that swell shut. I do, however, feel that my face muscles are in top condition because they receive quite the workout once the waterworks commence. I saw this picture the other day, and it nailed it!

I've recently walked, well walked is a bit of an overstatement, crawled through a season of many, many tears. The kind of tears that blur your vision and leave you gasping for breath. The kind of tears that puddle on the bathroom floor or on the church pew or on your best friend's shoulder. They are the kind where you look in the mirror afterwards and the person staring back is barely recognizable.  And they just wouldn't seem to quit. Some call this suffering. I don't like this word, but let's go with it. 

My dad has this way of saying these really wise things in such a practical way that it just seems like the kind of common sense you shrug off. It isn't usually until I've got my hands all over the concept and grappled it like a grizzly bear that I really get what he's talking about. I'm tactile like that...and a tiny bit stubborn about figuring out my own stuff. Example: when I was at the beginning of my situation, Dad said, "Andrea, no one likes to suffer, but if you let it, it can change you like nothing else can." Pretty smart guy, that dad of mine, although I didn't think it right then. 

Here's the deal.  Suffering is profoundly painful and usually leaves us with a big, gaping hole of loss. We don't like it! You show me a person who enjoys suffering, and I'll show you a mental disorder in the DSM-IV (the psychology book of craziness). Most of us can only think of one thing once pain has its claws in us: make it STOP! Then come the questions. 

Why is this happening to me?
What have I done to deserve this?
How could God let this happen?

I can't emphatically answer these questions for you or myself, for that matter. All I know is that life brings pain to all of us, kind of like a human right of passage. As much as we try, there is no way to avoid it. It sometimes happens to people who bring it upon themselves, but it equally happens to good people that absolutely did not see it coming. I don't know why it happens, but I know that the only way out of it is through it. Once you're in the mess, you have to go forward. Back is not an option. And I know that there is nothing quite like suffering that can define you. 

I think of my dear friends often. They have a little girl, 3 years-old like my son Jett, that was diagnosed with a rare form of leukemia, AML-M7 to be exact, and she has been fighting for her little life for almost a year. After 5 rounds a chemo, there was still a tiny bit of cancer, cancer that needs to be gone in order for her bone marrow transplant to have a good chance of success. My heart has broken with this family with each setback and has rejoiced at each small victory as they post constant updates for the thousands of followers that are rooting for baby girl. I stand in awe of their resolve. While this isn't a path that any parent would choose to walk, my friends have chosen to walk it in faith. They have chosen to keep their eyes on Jesus while this raging storm threatens to destroy what they hold most dear. They have chosen not to be defined by the fear and doubt that must creep in during the nights in those hospital halls.  Each day they make the decision to drink up each precious moment and believe that a cure is just around the corner. And most impressively, they have chosen to lift up and support others that are going through the same thing. They have personally been a shining example of faith to me in times when I have wanted to doubt. They are so strong, and they inspire me.

Maybe that is a silver lining of suffering: to help someone else through something that you survived/are surviving, to give them hope of making it through. The Bible says suffering produces endurance and character and hope. Then James takes it over the top, and says that we should be happy (no wait, his words: consider it pure joy). when we face trials. The reason for this is to build perseverance which leads to us being whole and mature. What?!

I think this would be a good time to insert how much I loathe the gym....well just exercise in general. This is something else that makes me want to ugly cry my face off. I roll my eyes at those people that post workout selfies, and look like they are really loving it. Please! I've never left a (successful) workout not in pain. I think we have already established that only crazy people enjoy pain, so I'm kind of putting James in this category. My mind goes to strange places sometimes, and as I read that, I picture him in Richard Simmons spandex saying, "Feel the burn! Pure joy!" Oh, you didn't get that visual? Just me then. Anyway, it's the same concept. Suffering is like exercise for our spirit. It's not the painful process we enjoy, it is the beauty that can emerge from the breaking and the strength from the weakness. 

Pain = Growth

Seriously though, Dad is right about letting pain change you. It definitely will. Brokenness strips us thin. It makes the layers of the heart delicate and permeable. That makes it easy for fear and bitterness and cynicism to seep in through the very visible cracks. But you can also choose to let light fill the dark holes, the places that the pain has broken open and exposed. It is when we are completely divested that we can be filled. It is when we are in the most need that God's presence can be almost palpable with his love and grace. Let me just say, that makes it worth it. 

When you're in the midst of heartbreak, it's harsh, exhausting, excruciatingly painful. You can't see it's end, or usually anything for that matter. It's like falling into the water during rafting and being sucked into an undertow, often unexpectedly and violently. This happened to Dad when he was young. He fought and fought unable to reach the surface. He actually gave in and thought he was about to die. As he let the current pull him under, it released him and shot him out on the other side.  If you want to survive, don't fight the current. Go through it. Lean on your people (that's what they're there for), seek counseling from someone you really respect, find comfort in a song, search for wisdom in books, ugly cry like crazy, and pray til you're hoarse. Contrary to how you feel, it won't last forever. 

After you've caught your breath and coughed the water from your lungs,  open yourself to the idea that "what is empty will be filled, what is broken will be repaired, and what is lost can always be found, no matter how many times it's been lost" (Shauna Neiquist, bittersweet). As Christians, we get this promise, the promise that those who endure get a crown of life, and I don't know about you, but I <3 jewelry. ;)

We got this!
-A.  

Romans 5 : 3 Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; 4 perseverance, character; and character, hope.

James 1: 2 Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, 3 because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. 4 Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. 

James 1: 12 Blessed is the one who perseveres under trial because, having stood the test, that person will receive the crown of life that the Lord has promised to those who love him.

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