seek him, find you

I love Christmas! And this year, I'm really feeling it. Perhaps, it's because my little boys are at the cutest ages to really enjoy the season; the elf pajamas, the snowflake cookies, the twinkling lights, the decorated trees, and the anticipation of presents just light their little faces with bright smiles and sheer delight. It is completely intoxicating and contagious! So, this season especially, I'm taking special notice of all things Christmas. 

I saw a sign the other day that said, "Wise men still seek him". This sighting spurred a series of thoughts. I thought back to time that where I felt completely and utterly....well, lost. By all appearances, my life seemed to be intact. I had a beautiful home, a loving husband, healthy babies, and a blossoming career. Things had unfolded just the way I had always planned, the good old American dream landing right in my lap.  Then, why did I feel so empty?

Why was there heaviness in my chest when I woke in the mornings? Why did I feel like I didn't recognize the face in the mirror? I use to love to sing, but I didn't sing anymore. I used to make things and dream and plan and create. But I could no longer muster inspiration for any of it. I used to find my energy in the company of others, but now I spent my days isolating my true self from most people. Who was this girl I had become? She was a stranger to even me.

Today, a popular platitude when people are internally floundering is "I need to find myself".  So, they look in all kinds of ways, often destructively seeking to find themselves in places they have no business being like in the bottoms of bottles or another person's bed. And often they end up no more found than when they had begun. And like them, my search was also fruitless. 

I feel like I kind of "found myself" on accident. My search really began as a desperate need for survival, as my world was falling apart and my self-search was put on hold. At the time, all I was seeking was peace, comfort, and love, and because He is a God that keeps his promises, I found all of those things and a little more! 

Here is some advice from a former self-seeker:
 Stop trying to find yourself. It doesn't work. Instead, seek Jesus. Really seek Him. Go on a quest to know Him. Forget about who you are or think you should be for a moment. It's not important until you comprehend Him and His grace. Ransack the Word for new life. Investigate Truth, and let it illuminate your path. Pursue a relationship with Him with the vigor of a teenage boy. Chase Love with all your heart and soul!  I promise you will find more than you can even imagine!  Light! Life! Love! Purpose! 

I once heard a preacher say, "You don't ask the creation why they were created. You ask the Creator!"  Oh, how true I have found these words to be!  We are all like pieces of art, uniquely individual and beautiful. When admiring a painting, photograph, movie, or song, you wouldn't look at the artwork, and say, "Tell me about the inspiration behind you". No. You would ask the artist, interview the director, or seek out the composer for meaning. The same is true with our life. The inspiration and beauty behind our creation lies within the Artist! 


So, looking back I can see that a bonus to seeking Him is finding you. And I take back what I said about it being an accident because it totally isn't. A profound truism that strikes me this morning is the fact that He made us on purpose, giving each of use unique talents, gifts, and purposes. So, it makes sense that when we connect to Him, we connect to those things. 

I feel more like myself these days than I ever have. I wake up with purpose and with hope for the future. Talents and gifts that have lain dormant for years are finding ways to emerge into my daily life. I find inspiration in everything! Sometimes ideas wake me up at night and the excitement of them spills into my days. I'm singing again. I'm creating again. I'm dreaming again! 

And this year, I'm dreaming of a white Christmas, singing lots of Christmas songs, and like the wise men, seeking the Light! 


Here's to getting lost in the search and finding more than we were ever looking for!
-A.