death row

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This week is Holy Week, the week that chronicles the events that lead up to Easter Sunday. The week starts off with the celebration of Palm Sunday where Jesus enters Jerusalem, and the people celebrate and exalt him. It ends with another celebration that rejoices in the fact that He conquered the grave. 

Sandwiched between these two “parties” is a darker series of events: betrayal, denial, and death. Since most Christians attend church on Sunday, we are well acquainted with the two joyous celebrations, but often don’t spend too much time dwelling on the more painful parts of the redemption story. 

This year, I have aimed to be more mindful during Holy Week and mentally work through occurrences as they happened. And I can’t help but think how Jesus felt during this time. Knowing what was coming to him, I wonder if He felt like an inmate awaiting his fate on death row. 

This week, I took some time to read a few interviews and letters written by felons awaiting execution. I was curious of their psychological state as they knowingly watched death draw nearer and nearer. It is one thing to be caught off guard by an unpleasant event. It is completely different to live in the wake of its dread. 

One man spoke of making peace with his destiny of death. Long before his execution date, he had owned up to his wrong-doings and worked through forgiveness with God and himself. He talks about the last hearing and the eerie sense of peace and solitude he felt. He admitted that the thought of leaving his daughter to deal with the aftermath was unsettling enough to make him think about beating his executioners to the punch, but then he recounted how he was sustained through the peace of his relationship with Jesus Christ. 

Another interview I read was from a man that was exonerated from death row when his innocence was finally proven. Can you imagine how much harder it would be to await a punishment for a crime you did not commit? He described the psychological torture of waiting as “dual punishment”. He recalled the tiny cell about the size of a parking space, how he was stripped of all basic comforts, and the hell that rages in the mind after spending 22 hours of the day in solitude. 

And with that, I thought about our Lord and Savior. Although Jesus was fully God, he was also fully man with flesh that felt the sting of pain like you and me. I’m sure he felt the full gamut of emotional torture: intense moments of doubt, impending dread, and ensuing questions. I imagine that his heart was broken at the thought of Judas’ betrayal. He felt the rejection of Peter’s denial. He winced at the thought of Mary, his mother, witnessing the brutality of his death, all the while unable to comfort her and shield her from the pain. 

I get emotional just thinking about it. My heart breaks as I play the events out in my mind. When you think of something terrible happening to someone you love, you feel it. So, the other morning during my devotion time as I was working through the anger and grief about how anyone could crucify the lover of my soul, I asked Jesus, “What was going through your mind during all of that?” 

Almost as soon as I finished that thought, I heard one word softly whispered into my mind: you. 

In this moment, I could feel his presence near. See, he isn’t a distant God that we just get to read about in a book. His greatest desire is for us to know him in a real and intimate way. And I could feel that this was his way of making it personal for me as if saying: 

I was thinking of you, Andrea. The day was dark, and the road was hard, but it was my thoughts of you that got me through. I wanted the best for you, and there was no other way around it. I loved you too much to watch you get crushed under the weight of your sins, so I handled it for you. I was dreaming of the day you would run to me and let me wrap you in my love. I could see you dancing freely in the life of purpose and fulfillment that I always created for you! And it was worth it. You were worth it! 

A feeling of warmth and gratitude filled my heart in this moment. My eyes tear up again, even as I type this, to think of a love so fierce, a love so reckless that totally disregarded the consequence of death for ME...and you too friend. 

I wonder what would happen if we were able to really grasp the vastness of His love for us. I wonder how much space it would free up in our hearts to love others better, without reservation or agenda. I think about how liberating it would be love wholey, without fear of rejection. How insecurity would be nonexistent because we would be grounded in the infinite love of God. And how much peace would exist within us and between us if we truly believed that nothing could separate us from it! 

My prayer is that we get it. I want us to realize that even though we were worthless prisoners on death row that didn’t deserve freedom, He gave it anyway. We don’t have to pay it back, hustle for it, or even be a “good” person. He just loves us. I hope it overwhelms you today and everyday. I hope that when you think of the gruesome and barbaric act that is the crucifiction that you see a love that is totally savage, a love that ferociously fights and relentlessly chases after one thing: you!  

A very Good Friday to you! 
A.-